orangetoughguy | log post II

[The bear in his true and lumbering form steps into the apartment. Back to normal...City normal. The world looks different from where he stands now. It should now that he has those twenty five years back. He rubs a paw over his face, not because of the long day at work but because of the dangling detail that needs to be solved.]

Anybody home?

Over here.

[Freddy says with a raised hand that the bear can probably see peeking over the back of the couch. That's what he's been doing since coming back from the garage, just laying on the (cleaned) couch. Listening to music, the TV on though he's not watching it. He has a comic book in his hands...one he's already read before though. It's just busy work to take his mind off what Freddy knows is some kind of static between Larry and himself.]

[Oh, there he is. Slouched the kid is hard to spot there. Larry wanders over, fishing out a cigarette. Where to start? Where to fucking start? Maybe there is no good place. Best jump in.]

We gotta talk. Now, I don't want you to get pissed. Gotta promise me that.

[Oh Christ here we go. Fuck. He puts his comic away and sits up, already looking kind of skittish.]

Okay. About what?

I know you learned some things about me, about how I grew up and what I was like. All that, I want you to forget it. It doesn't matter. Can you do that for me?

[He sees the anxious look. May as well get it done as soon as possible or else its gonna get worse.]

[Can't hold it in anymore, can you Newendyke?] I'm sorry I fucked you but you wanted it and I wanted it and we fuck each other all the time so I didn't think it was a problem--

[Whoa wait what? Freddy stares.] What?

[Larry cocks his eyebrow. That was not what he thought was going on on the other side.] ...What?

[Who's going to answer first?]

[Oooooooookay now. Freddy clears his throat and runs his fingers through floppy blonde hair.]

I thought you were pissed that I fucked you when you were a kid. I mean a teenager, that's still a kid so. [He shrugs.] First time and all...but it wasn't real. Well it was real, but not anymore real than what you and I got going on right now.

[Hands. They're flapping.]

[Not any more real? Who the fuck is Freddy kidding? For now he's gonna let that slide. If he could choose, that would be the first time to have forever. Deep inhale of his cigarette to try and hold back.]

We're real. This is real.

[Affirming, agreeing.]

Do you get what I'm trying to ask of you?

[He's being unusual quiet, Larry is. Although not the chatty type either Larry isn't overtly terse either, at least not with Freddy.]

Yeah I get it. [But, the kid's tone implies.] How'm I supposed to forget all that? All that about you?

Easy. It's not who I am. It doesn't matter.

[Larry huffs out a breath from his nose. Terse to prevent himself from saying unnecessary, hurtful shit. It's not Freddy's fault Larry was cursed. Except...]

Why did you ask about my parents?

What the fuck are you talking about? It's what made you, you weren't born forty-whatever.

[He knows the number but no need to rub it in. Brows quirked, the kid's getting closer to the old man now. This isn't what he expected though when he thinks about it Freddy feels he should have seen it coming.]

I asked cause you wanted to talk or just needed someone to talk to. I wasn't gonna tell you I kinda knew a little, that woulda freaked you the fuck out, man.

But did you need to keep asking? I'm not the person I was then. I'm not a teenager. I got it together now.

[As together as a grown man with issues allows himself to be. Skeleton bones poke out from under the rug.]

It wasn't real. Right? Well, I kept it to myself back then.

[Tit for tat. Tell it like it is, old man.]

I made myself who I am.

And I'm not allowed to know that? I'm not allowed to know who you are or how you were?

[Freddy's tone is bordering frustrated. For one, he's a cop who already knows Larry's killed cops, robbed various people and organizations blind, did drugs, and participated in prostitution (as a client but knowing what he does now maybe as a trick too). Can't he know the other things that make Lawrence Dimick human? Not that Freddy needs convincing, but it doesn't hurt to know more, does it?]

And it was real you know what I mean. [When the kid says it wasn't really real, as in they didn't go back in time and change the course of history. Yeah.]

Why do you want to know? I had a shit past. There are good stories, good moments I want you to know and hold onto those because I do. Freddy, I got reasons why I don't tell you about getting beat into the shag carpet.

[Having to put to words what happened, having to deal with the memories and then see pain or anger in this kid's face.... it's different from pissing him off with requests like this. Both of them are helpless to do anything about it.]

It's not worth knowing.

[Brown eyes look at him steadily before taking another puff of his cigarette.]

[Hearing it put that way makes him frown. Why does it always have to sound like a smack to the face? Other than maybe that's how it feels to Lawrence Dimick, right Newendyke? Freddy's furrowing brow deepens.]

I like knowing more about you, the good and the bad. You like knowing everything you can about me, don't you? Growing up in podunk town USA, gettin' kicked around under the bleachers, all the cunt girlfriends I've had. [Not that Freddy hates women.] I feel like I can tell you that shit, Larry. It's worth knowin' to me.

[Or is this a one-sided arrangement? That's the green eyed look he's giving the other man.]

[He swallows thickly.]

I feel like I can tell you. I never said I couldn't.

[Trust is two ways, ain't it? There's a good, wide gander at Freddy's point of view and it's as distressing of Larry's side.]

The shit I got on my side it's not--[as simple, as easy...he can't say that though. It's not fair to spin it like that. Freddy had a hard time in its way. The cigarette is as good as gone, he deposits it in the ashtray on the table between them not bothering to snuff it out all the way. Smoke coils this way and that.]

I don't want you thinking different of me, okay? I'm not in the practice of talking about where I've been, what happened.

[Oh he's well aware what he's been through is nothing compared to what Larry's been through, all the more reason for them to share, right? Freddy's familiar with an amount of privacy too, he gets that, but the fact that it upset Larry gets to him. The fact that he gets the impression maybe the old man expected the kid to avoid the situation gets to him.]

How differently am I gonna think of you, Larry? [Freddy points at him before using his hands to count off.] I've seen you on junk, I've seen you fuck other people, I've seen you kill people. You think your childhood's gonna change how I think about you now?

[He shakes his head.] If you never wanna talk about where you've been fine, I'm sorry I wanted to know. I didn't mean to put you in a place. [There's only a mild hint of sarcasm there, more like some embarrassment and hurt for having crossed a line he wasn't sure was there.]

[So much for not getting angry.]

In all that, I had a choice. Bad ones. But they were mine.

[Not that it makes it clear or anything. A paw rubs at his forehead, he is looking hard at the table and the array of items there. Some of Freddy's, some of his own. Theirs.]

I did kinda think that you'd think different. [Admitting it out loud, to himself and to the man he fucking loves feels like he's pulling shrapnel out from under his skin.] ...That I'm just messed up through and through without a chance of ever meeting you half way.

[Big hands spread out with nothing else to offer there.]

I know you didn't mean no harm.

[Smaller but not tiny paws mirror those big open ones.] What am I some kind of fuckin' saint? I'm not a fuckin' saint, Larry.

[He's a cop, he's seen things too, albeit from the other side of the fence. Is that what draws a line in the sand? Yeah he asked the kid not to get angry and now Freddy's getting angry. Good going, Newendyke. He huffs, trying to calm down now and not let his temper get the better of him.]

Maybe you're a little messed up, Larry, but so am I and you know what? It still doesn't fuckin' scare me.

[He folds his arms across his chest and glances away, feeling like some kind of stupid spoiled kid who got lucky on a bear. A bear who thinks he might not be able to handle the mess he is. It's one think to just value his own privacy but to keep private over that? No, Freddy wants Larry to know he's not afraid.]

[Yes, he is some kind of a saint to a man who guns down cops and has a problem with the big guy in the sky. And it isn't because he's a cop, it's because he's a fucking good kid, good as gold.

Damn it all though, Newendyke is a man, not a kid or a saint.]

A little messed up? [Let's hold onto that rather than the fear detail.] You wanna know what I went through? I was scared to get up to take a piss after I was told to go to bed. Any disobedience would get me into a onesided brawl. If I cried out loud it wold start all over again. Real men don't cry.

[The only thing about Larry he truly fears is his strength and temper. He believes the old man doesn't want it to happen ever again but sometimes certain circumstances are out of their control and floppy haired kids end up on the business end of a foot on the kitchen floor. Men will brawl, that's just the way it is, but Larry can pack a vicious hit.]

Yeah I do wanna know what you went through, okay! [Speaking of tempers, Newendyke here has his own to boot. He's getting up in Larry's face now, the bear who has paws twice as big as his own.] But you don't have to hand it to me like it's some kinda punishment. For fuck's sake I'm not--[He swallows.] I'm not one of those bastards who fuckin' hurt you.

[Am I? Freddy can be a menopausal bitch, after all.]

[Face to face and it looks like tonight won't be as good of a night as the one before it. Larry doesn't back down though he hopes he can be able to keep himself checked.]

You don't think I fucking know that? You're one of the best things that ever happened to me!

[With all the bullets and bloodshed. Joe, Eddie, fuck the old man feels like such a goddamn monster himself even thinking it but he would have never been this happy if all that didn't happen. They would have never met. Can Freddy honestly, truly say the same? Can he? There are good, law abiding cocksuckers out there.]

They don't come close to you, not by a long shot. It's like comparing sugar to dirt. Both don't even belong together.

[Which....could be another reason why the old man wants to keep them apart. Larry has to take a step away, turn his back and try to get it together.]

How am I even supposed to start?

[It's weird yet so right to hear Larry say words like that in such a heated angry tone. That's how Freddy feels. He feels like screaming in the old man's fucking face how much he fucking loves him even though he can be one stupid motherfucker sometimes. Larry can be, that is, not Freddy himself. Okay Freddy himself too.]

You don't need to get fuckin' poetic on me, Shakespeare. [The kid feels like a bad guy already, staring at that back like he might put a dagger into it. Then he'd apologize profusely and nurse the bear back to health of course.] I'm not demanding shit outta you.

[Yes you are, Newendyke. Billy Idol is singing about eyes without a face, someone who's got no human grace.] I don't wanna be cut off from a part of you. [They already have fifteen years between them and they're both grown men, but Larry has a childhood, adolescence, and prime behind him (though Freddy would argue he's still in the latter). It took this much effort just to know a little more about Alabama. He's still staring at Larry's broad back.]

Like I'm some kid who can't handle it. [Sugar that needs to be sheltered. Lawrence Dimick has been dragged through the mud on occasion, he knows it, Freddy just wants to say he'd gladly get road rash with him.]

[That dog has a hell of a bark. Not worth kicking. Though it gets this bear turning around.]

If I can't take it, how can I expect you to? Huh? [Is he talking about then? Now? Seventeen was just yesterday, it's all fucking fresh on his mind. Huff and puff. He shakes his head and rakes a hand through his hair.]

I'm not fucking good at the sharing. S'not you, get it?

[Growling bear is simmering slowly.]

Promise me that what I tell you won't change anything?

[The pitch of his voice and the magnitude of his request is greatly increased from the lug of a lad he was. It matters more than anger, that Larry Dimick can stand.]

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