orangetoughguy | log post II

[A psycho brush with death, there needs to be more sweet things about now.]

Home?

[The light bulb goes on. He hasn't put too much stalk in any of that 'go home' talk. Maybe because deep down he hasn't been willing to accept what that would mean at least it was something to evade when they weren't talking about it. The old man puts his hand up to hold the door even though he's standing on the other side.]

You wanna head back to LA?

[He steps in and shuts the door behind him, locking it up too.]

I dunno, I mean with those things out there you [Generally speaking.] could die trying, then you're stuck for good. That's what they say anyway, you die here you're stuck for life. Or unlife, whatever.

[Not that this answers Larry's question at all.]

[The facts are ones that he's heard before. Everyone says that from the moment you get here, you die you stuck. You're here you're stuck. His cigarette is still burning.]

Kid. [A paw grips his shoulder the better to shift a bit to face him.] Freddy, do you want to go home?

[They always mean to talk about this and it never comes to pass. It looks like it's not going to wait.]

[He hangs his helmet where a coat would normally go then out comes a cigarette but before Freddy can light it he's being turned to face Larry. Shit, Lawrence Dimick, the goddamn felon.]

I kinda miss it, I miss the way things are there, hell I even miss the traffic. A little.

[Still not a yes or no though. Shit is this what it'd be like if they'd made a run for the border after all? Somewhere in sunny Mexico or hell Brazil?]

[This man that he loves so fucking much is a cop. That hasn't changed, Larry tells himself, that hasn't changed at all.]

If you want something, you have to tell me. We gotta talk about this. I'm not hung up on stayin' here for always. [Brown eyes drop to his cigarette. His own is burning closer to the filter. Has this time spent in this apartment playing games, drinking at bars and fucking like rabbits...has it come to an end?]

We'd need to pack. Destroy anything incriminating. [He gestures around them. There'll be plenty to stay. The pin-ups all can't go. Neither can all of the good suits. Larry sighs and rubs his chin.]

[He takes the time while Larry's talking to finally light his own cigarette (and briefly avoid eye contact). One deep pull and then he's looking at the other man again.]

I haven't figured out if it's a good idea or not. I mean leaving. [Not being together, whether or not that was a good idea to begin with, the kid doesn't regret it.] You saw what's out there, we could get killed.

[The quiet makes the seconds stretch. It could be the old man's imagination. He seeks eye contact with Freddy eagerly.]

I know. It's gonna be dangerous when we get where we're going too. There's more than that to consider. [Where will they go? What will they do? Without his attention, Larry's cigarette has burnt out. He's lost the flavor for it.] Let's sleep on it. Then we'll form a plan together.

[Though with this much to consider sleep isn't gonna come too easy. As an afterthought, he shrugs off his blazer and loosens his tie.]

I know, Larry.

[He wets his lips, maintaining eye contact again. Wait what. Form a plan? Now Larry is getting too far ahead for Freddy. His brow furrows. It's not that they have to talk about it now but...]

I don't know if I wanna form a plan. [Yet.] Do you?

[Why is he looking like that? This tie slips loose all the way. His thoughts and intentions don't feel as fluid.]

At least an escape plan, you know.

[As for what they want to do with the rest of their lives? This shit is crazy. It could really happen, they could fuck off to Mexico or Timbuktu.]

What'll stay, what'll go.

[He clears his throat.]

The bottom line is that I don't want to go solo.

[Well that part Freddy knows for sure, whether they stay or go:] You're not gonna go solo. Neither am I.

[He shakes his head. Hell he'd include Pink too but only to get back to California. Then the weasel is on his own. Shit why is he even thinking about this? You're a cop, Newendyke.]

If you don't wanna plan, what do you want to do?

[Because hearing that they're going together is start to make Larry feel more certain of what'll be ahead of them. There'll keeping one eye over their shoulder and the other straight ahead from here on out.

A cop and a crook are driving together on a highway... it sounds like the beginning of a joke.]

[God he can't handle that question. Freddy shakes his head, taking another deep pull, before turning those green near forlorn eyes at Larry. He may be a cop which puts him at an 'advantage' in most situations, but he's still wandering in different kinds of ways.]

What do you wanna do?

[This grown man before him is looking like a lost kid.]

I'd want us to have a day to prepare. Then get on out of here in the early mornin'. We'll take a coastal route.

[His fingers comb through Freddy's hair.]

I still got dollars. As for scrounging up more we could pawn shit.

[Call the old man crazy, but some of it is a fantasy of his. A hard life on the road but hard loving anyway.]

[Well, he kinda feels like a lost kid so it's par for the course. With his leather jacket shed Freddy sinks down into the nearest sofa seat.]

I still got diamonds. [That's not meant to be a pun at all, it's true. He hasn't moved his share of the ice at all.] What about after?

[Talk about thinking ahead, then again it's nice Freddy thinks they can succeed.]

After, well, housing is cheap south of the border. Same goes for the Midwest. If we head to Mexico they got tacos.

[Larry pops a few buttons of his white dress shirt. It's slightly damp with sweat from their motorcycle chase. To the sofa he goes too.]

I still got diamonds too. [With some missing. Some that might be at the jewelers being put into a ring.] That's more than enough to start.

If I give up my badge I can't get it back.

[He says to Larry because this is sort of the big white elephant in the room isn't it? A beautiful home south of the border, tacos, living free of rules, free of fucking boxes, doesn't it sound great? He'd be like an Avenger. Okay no because they fight for justice, maybe more like a mutant, hiding amidst the civilians. Except that would make most of Larry's network like Morlocks. Fuck.]

And I got family.

[The one thing Freddy Newendyke won't do is beg Lawrence Dimick to walk the straight and narrow.]

...I know. [And all of the acquaintances, well, all the tips tricks, everything will be different.[

I don't have much to lose but if I do it'd be big.

[Losing his freedom, losing his life, losing the kid, all of those would be devastating. He doesn't sigh but he turns to face Freddy.]

You could go back to them. I'd find a way to catch up after I know you've made it safe.

I dunno if I could do it. Go back to them.

[He's running his hand through his hair too now. Puff puff. That cigarette's already done for in the next few breaths. He rubs it out. Then Freddy wets his lips again, shaking his head.]

I can't turn you in. [No, that's the wrong phrasing.] I don't wanna turn you in.

[But the kid can't just turn his back on something he's sworn to do either, to serve and protect. That's why he's in a rut over whether to stay or go isn't it? If they stay here then Freddy has no agency to turn Lawrence Dimick over to anyway. Easy breezy. If they stay here then they'll never get to see Vegas together, never get to go up and down the coast. The city doesn't bore him, that's not it at all, but part of it seems like a caricature of what they should have.]

Not even to say goodbye?

[Nerves, nerves all over. Larry starts to feel a creeping emotion that he wouldn't have expected. It's guilt. Why is he wrecking this man's life?]

Look, I know there's risks. No one is gonna turn anyone in. We have a shot.

[Who says they can't have exactly what they want huh? Larry always knowing what he wants is trying to grab a whole handful and pull it out of the jar at the same time. Strange enough, this whole discussion has been short on the touching. He scoots closer and that's all, navigating through his private highway of what would happen if they're caught.]

I suck at goodbyes.

[Freddy admits in an unabashed self-deprecating manner, much like a teenager, of which they have a whole one between them. Not that this matters any to Freddy, he rather likes their different experiences. They are ones due to generational and regional differences, not just his gun versus his badge.]

Having a secret identity's not all it's fuckin' cracked up to be.

[The kid quips because he can feel the old man getting closer, he can fucking smell the tension in the air. And what does he do to this fucking felon? Freddy leans against him. This still doesn't answer whether or not they ought to try making a break from this place.]

I wanna meet the fucker who is.

[And punch them right in their fucking face. Though Freddy's simple statement makes him realize that there is no saying goodbye. Who could after almost dying, being kidnapped by a whole damn town.

Closer and he can breathe in Marlboros and see very fine lines in the man's face that show he is not a child. There should be no doubt. Lawrence, Two Guns, Dimick and catches Freddy's chin to not only look at him more directly in the face but be ready to kiss him whenever he wants.]

What do you want to do, baby?

[The rough pad of his thumb traces feels stubble at his chin.]

[Oh shit Larry's touching him and looking him in the eye. Those fucking warm brown eyes of his could undo just about anyone, broad or prick.

What does Freddy want to do? Kiss him, obviously. But there's more to it. They have this chance to go home and while he wants to hit the road with this old tough guy rambler he also wants to stay grounded in this caricature world where they don't even have to think about real consequences, the kinds that could seriously undo everything they've forged since meeting in Smokey Pete's. What in the name of fucking hell do you want, Newendyke?]

I wanna be good for something.

[Good cops don't fall in love with felons. Of course good cops don't get tons of people killed because they fucked up either. Good lovers don't betray their partners. Hell good friends don't betray each other. Good cops don't make friends with cop killers and good whitebread sons don't beg to take it up the ass and good boyfriends don't throw a bitchfit over some pieces of hand drawn women on posters. Maybe Larry can have that as a legitimate reason for hating on the wooden symbol hanging in the kid's room, because never being good enough is practically coded into it.]

I don't wanna wreck what we got cause havin' you makes me happy. [There he said it.]

Who says you're not good for something?

[Is figuring out how he'll live on the run? How work may be hard to find without providing any personal information? It won't be easy. But it'd be a hell of a lot easier than giving up this. He said he wouldn't leave him bleeding on the ramp at the rendezvous, no sense in starting now.

None of it is smart. And Larry still is wrapped up in the doubt that if he loved Freddy as much as he said that he does, he'd let him off. But those goddamn words, he makes him happy. Mr. White is a criminal, a killer and it's expected of them to carry on in their way without a care for the norm and the law. Why would it be a shock that he'd do drugs, fuck both genders, rob cradles and corrupt cops?]

You're not gonna quit havin' me. [Not until he says stop, even then Larry's got a feeling that he'll always have a piece whether Freddy wants to or not.] And hey, remember, we're tough guys. We don't wreck without a fight.

[Those green and amber eyes give him the confidence to say this unfaltering. So much so he'll seal it with a brief kiss.]

[I do. Other people too, they may not say it but Freddy can tell. At least he did in Fresno as a teen, in Los Angeles as a drop out. He won't argue that with Larry though, the kid knows better. He nods.]

I didn't forget. [That they're tough guys, tough guys who don't wreck without a fight or in Freddy's case doesn't die and keeps on truckin' until he's completely bled out. What does this have to do with trying to go home? Is Freddy still avoiding the question by returning that kiss? He makes it a harder longer one too.]

Mmhm. [He sounds between their mouths.] You're amazing.

[This fucking kid, Larry pulls him closer dragged willingly into a deeper longer engagement with Freddy's mouth.]

You're amazing to me.

[Which means I love you, I want this to keep going. Fucking tender, fragile sentiments that keep on coming without an end.]

So sleep on it and talk in the morning?

[Don't think he hasn't noticed that Freddy hasn't offered up a complete opinion on what the coming days should hold. For now he's fine with waiting on it. Kind of like a long, slow goodbye to how it is here.]

log post II

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