orangetoughguy | log post II

Okay.

[What's a guy like Freddy do? Repress repress repress. That was until Lawrence Dimick came along. Aw hell that kid wouldn't even know who Santana is, he has no idea how he was the first to take this kid's ass. Fuck now Freddy's thinking about it, is this Lawrence Dimick cherry? How is this any different from thirty-something year old White bending a teenage Orange over the back of his car? Stop thinking about it, Newendyke, you horny son of a bitch.]

I'm not ashamed of it or anything. [Puff puff, he's flicking ash to the side.] Some people can't understand it, that's all.

[He's talking about not having a lady, yeeeep... And they're walking along.]

[On his feet and waiting, because Freddy was the one who was suggesting the walk. How come he's taking to be the follower so easy? Dimick, you're gonna get it and no one is gonna feel sorry for you. But what's there to worry about with a guy like Freddy who doesn't jump him even when Larry's about wearing nothing. Freddy bought him a meal which is more than what he can say for other brief encounters. Why so shy now? He swallows and tries to not think on things that'll get his lose pants fitting even worse.]

You don't feel like you were made wrong or anything?

What?

[Oh. Right. Larry's a bright motherfucker, of course he is. Freddy had no doubt, it's him who's trying to play dumb. Sometimes he wonders how someone as smart and slick as Lawrence Dimick ever wound up in the system and doing what he does best; rob people with a smile. Anyway the charming teen's got you now, Newendyke, don't play dumb.]

No. I used to, when I was younger I let guys push me around. [Knowing what he does about Larry's feelings on the church he'll steer clear of 'God's plan.'] Then I met some nice guys. [Like you.] When I'm with them it feels right.

[He keeps his voice down even though they're the only ones walking on this side of the street. Shit he thinks he sounds like an afterschool special but fuck what Freddy would have given to have someone to talk to when he was that age. Hell he still needs someone to talk to at this age and funny how it always seems to turn out to be Larry in some shape or form.]

[Brown eyes blink and look his way. He's focusing, clinging on Freddy's every word because he's never heard anybody talk about...that kind of thing in a positive kind of light. For him it's always been something felt emotionally or physically as if growing up wasn't hard enough with all the changes he's gone through. It feels like he's gotta adapt more than other kids. No time for crying, just growing and being an adult and hoping everything will make sense eventually.

Even though he's not too much older Freddy sounds like he's got it together. Though that rightness could be what he's feeling. ...maybe.]

So it isn't just you. I mean...there are a few. Others. And it's okay.

[Snort. Look he doesn't mean to snort, he's been there, but Larry's lack of awareness is endearing to Freddy. Again not only are they years apart, this Dimick kid was born in 1950, somewhat a far cry from 1965. It may be only 15 years but in terms of social revolution it's a big change. Damn, the Larry he knows lived through that.]

Are you kidding me? They got cities where it's okay like San Francisco and Miami. I mean they got people who won't think twice about bustin' your jaw too but everyone else is gonna treat you like family.

[Glamorizing it much, Newendyke? There's a lot of bad in those cities too and he won't even get started on AIDS, but where's the harm in giving a cursed Lawrence Dimick some glimmer of hope? It's not like he's changing the course of Larry's future. Oh fuck he hopes that's not the case.]

Cities?

[Like this one he wants to ask but already there's more to it to mull over. It's a bright, rosy world out there. And he didn't add Miami to his list.]

I didn't know. I mean, only a few people know about that part of me. ...I'm used to getting busted for other reasons.

[Larry tosses away the end of his Chesterfield but rubs his lips in thought.]

A few?

[Freddy's trying to remember what stories about his youth Larry's told him. There was the boxing ring or the guy he wanted to room with, the guy he met in prison. None of these he recalls as being from Dimick's teen years.]

You trust'em with that? [The implication being I didn't have anybody.]

This one guy we uh--[fuck, be mature. Talk about it. Now is the time to talk about it.] We were in the locker room. I must have been looking too long or something. He knew. [There's more to the story, he's too embarrassed to say though his face is getting flushed he presses on...] He wanted some action. But after that we came to an understanding, keeping to ourselves and mouths shut deal.

[Fewer details but the indignity of it still burns.]

I have to trust him or else he'll tell everybody. Then I'm really fucked. There's one friend of mine, he knows but...he don't ask. I think it makes him uncomfortable. Can't tell him shit. I know he wouldn't squeal on me though. That's all though. Ain't nobody who I can talk to.

[Not like this, not right now. Both hands in his pockets he's trying to keep from leaning or walking too close to this cool guy Freddy.]

[Freddy's brow furrows and already he wants to know the name of the little fucker so he can pummel the shit out of his face right into a locker. Not that more violence is the answer to violence or anything, but this kid learned pretty early sometimes you do have to resort to your fists. Funny though how resorting to his fists somehow led him to that opportunity under the bleachers. Win some lose some.]

Did he do something to you? He can't threaten you if he's done you wrong, kid. [He has to stop and look at Larry. This part of the street isn't busy, it's private in public enough to afford this conversation. Freddy swallows.] You can talk to me.

[Vice or SVU all over again.]

Can't threaten me? Sure he can. I jerked him off and he liked it. Then see, he shoved me off when he was done like some kinda switch was flipped. Started talking like I was some freak, he'd tell his cronies and then they'd turn me into mystery meat. I don't need that.

[He huffs in a sigh because it's wonderful to have someone just listen except what can be done about that? A lot of nothing.]

I don't get beat at this school. That's not a problem. I'm okay at the Kleins too now.

[Larry looks at his shoes.]

I used to get my ass handed to me at my last--the last home. I dunno if they saw I was funny on the inside or what. I was careful though, see? I didn't touch any guy or-or what.

[It's all coming out wrong, convoluted as shit. Come on, Larry. Someone's really listening. Shouldn't you say something worth hearing? He swallows because he's been trying to be heard but too fucking scared of what'll be the next step, the next home.]

The last man who tried to call himself my father would beat me if I did anything he thought was wrong. Talk to boys or talk to girls....

Like his cronies are gonna believe you held him down and made him like it.

[That's not what you learned, Newendyke, don't fill the kid with pipe dreams. But why not? Larry's not really a teenager anymore, how is one day gonna hurt? The fucker who hurt him's not gonna swing by anytime soon, right? Tomorrow he'll have his old Larry back and that tough guy can rip a shithead like this locker room douchebag in two.]

Hey. Hey look at me. [Fortunately Freddy's short enough to step closer and tilt his head up at warm browns from caramel greens.] You can tell me anything you want, okay? Even if it's hard shit to handle or somethin' that scares you, cause if you know it and I know it then you got safety in numbers, okay?

[This usually works a lot better (or a lot worse) when he's got his badge on him. People at least believe the safety part when there's a gun on his hip and police cruisers he can call up at the drop of a hat.]

Look I dunno. I don't want anyone else to know. It's not their right. It was a bad idea.

[Though how would it go over if it got out? Freddy could be right. It might be in his favor. How do you force a guy off? Except that's not the issue that takes the foreground. Larry's heart feels like it's sinking. He told someone. And he wasn't supposed to tell. Every time it's a matter of keeping his mouth shut. Here looking into those green and caramel colored eyes makes him feel like there's a lifeline being thrown out.]

A lotta bad stuff's happened to me, Freddy. Half the time no one believes it so I stopped telling. Feeling like nobody's there...that scares me. I went to school with a black eye or a broken hand and I had to act like nothin' happened out of the ordinary.

[Is it a bad idea that he's setting a hand on one of those broad shoulders? He's not quite the big old bear he knows and loves but this Larry is still big and handsome for his age. Freddy on the other hand...well he'll get to that.]

I believe you, Larry. [The kid says quietly, looking him right in the eye.] And I'm not gonna tell anybody if you don't want me to, I promise. You can tell me anything and unless you want otherwise it's gonna be our secret, just between us guys. Okay?

[About now he's so wrapped up in everything, in knowing that it is okay to talk, and how it feels to start talking, anything Freddy does would be fine. He's not gonna get hurt. Somehow even on the street in a City he knows nothing about with a man he feels like he still just met, Larry Dimick feels safe.]

...I don't want no one else to know. Please.

[He swallows and feels ashamed of the way his eyes are starting to blur. Don't fuckin' dare, Dimick. Talking is enough. Don't need to cry on nobody's shoulder.]

I dunno why but I kept fighting back thinking one of those times I'd get away or beat 'im. He said he was making me tough cuz he said the other houses I'd been to made me soft. Except [he's not sniffing he's just rubbing his nose with the back of his hand as he looks away from those calming, steady eyes] I had to learn to be quiet an' sew with the home before. A lady and her two bitches who were in pageants. They got everything.

[It sounds so fucking dumb. He shrugs and blinks.] I'm never what anyone's lookin' for, I gotta fit someone elses idea. That's why I don't have a forever home.

[His tone is firm and gentle all at once by voice and a squeeze to Larry's shoulder.] No one else is gonna know.

[All of this sounds so fucking foreign to Freddy Newendyke, Freddy who has a forever home even though sometimes he doesn't feel completely welcome in it. But he's never been turned out of it and if he came crawling back in the rain with nothing to his name he knows he'd have a place to sleep there. It really makes a guy think.]

Hey it's one hell of a slow search but the roof with your name's just waitin' for you to find it, Larry. The planet's got five and a half billion people on it, maybe it's gonna take a little while but when you find your place, when you know you're home, it's gonna be fuckin' worth it, man.

[He won't tell the other guy he picked that up from The Fantastic Four. It would ruin his supercool mentor approach...or would it?]

[Like a magnet he's right back to looking Freddy in the eye even though his own don't look as cool, calm and collected as he'd like em to be.]

Swear, Freddy. Swear you'll never tell no one.

[Because then everyone'll know what a fraud he is. Larry "Dimmy" Dimick is yellow as piss, scared of what tomorrow is going to have because yesterday was in the toilet]

...you-you think so?

[Freddy is so damn cool, so...grown up. He swallows thickly.]

I swear. [He nods before putting on a smile. At the same time his hand on the shoulder becomes an arm across the shoulders.]

Totally. And you got a lot of years in you, real great years. Hell you're big, strong, not bad looking, and you're not stupid. You're gonna be something to someone, Larry.

[Is that a little self-serving for Freddy to say?]

[Larry can hear the voice of what calls itself reason telling him to shove off because it doesn't look too right to be palling around with some man like Freddy, that two grown men like this is not proper. This is not his own voice. And he ignores leaning in a little to that touch and arm across his shoulders, wanting to hold this man, be held so much it almost hurts.]

I wanna be something to somebody, Freddy. The best I can. I just-I dunno how. I feel like nobody's gonna teach me and I gotta find out all on my own.

[He's mouth droops at the corners with his sentiment but there's underlining steel to his words filled with the want, the need to be a tough guy.]

Hey man you'll get it. I can't tell you when cause hell look at me. [A little self-deprecation there but in good humor, what is Freddy Newendyke now if not a helping something to this young somebody?] But I think you're gonna get it. Besides, I bet you're a fast learner.

[That's not meant to be anything more than a compliment, really. And his arm is still on him.]

What about you? [He rubs under his nose with the back of his hand. Just a sniffle okay? Nothing more. Freddy looks like a great guy, he's living in a great apartment, he does whatever he wants with or without ladies.]

I dunno. Sometimes I just dunno.

[This kid bear doesn't know how to take that compliment. The arm on him though, oh boy.]

Thanks I mean--[no that's exactly what he means] Thanks... [For those words, for this moment, for the tacos. He can't ask for anything else. Larry looks at those eyes again, that nose, his lips woah, woah back up again.]

I got lucky but I'm still learning.

[Weird to say that to Larry of all people, seeing as how that's who Freddy considers his stroke of luck and his best learning experience.]

Don't sweat it. I would've given anything to.... [Is Larry looking at him funny? Oh fuck here come those thoughts again.]

I could use some luck.

[Be lucky. Get lucky. Now it's a sparring match on the inside. He's trying not to be giving funny looks, honest. It keeps happening. And they're in public. Fuck. And he stopped talking Larry stiffens with that arm over him. Should he go? Should he stay? He swallows.]

To-?

[Larry's face feels like a traffic light, burning and red. Slowly he licks his lips and damns everything but the words that come out of his mouth and all the impulse and want behind it] Can we go back to your place?

Okay.

[Oh that was way way way too easy, Newendyke. You cradle robber. Of course it doesn't seem so bad when the kid's bigger than he is but the way his expression settles it's obvious who's the adult here. And damn is that a lovely face he has. Freddy's already close to getting hard thinking about it on his dick. Oh fuck.]

Follow me.

[The arm drops from his shoulders only to settle his hand at the small of Larry's back, guiding him. They're just going back to his place, that's all. That's all. Being at least 20 years younger Larry can probably go for several rounds can't he? Oh fuck.]

[Nodding makes his head feel like it's swimming. Fucking hell, Dimmy you really asked that. May as well put a sign on your forehead saying how easy you are. Except it's a question, that's it. And it can be interpreted different ways... though he wants it to be just one way. Larry knows about girls, how they work and think. The game can't possibly transfer the same way...can it?]

Okay.

[Redundant but saying something makes him feel like autonomous. For a moment he worries about not feeling the arm around his shoulders but the touch of his back, however light and purposeful causes more of a stir than it should. What is he doing? This man's at least what? Ten to fifteen years older than him? Larry doesn't even know, and he's finding out that he doesn't care. With each step he's getting more wound up in his young skin. He could go for two rounds, sometimes more like this. It's normal, right now Dimick doesn't even think anything of it.]

....Do you have more friends like me?

[Ten years. Ten years. Please never suggest fifteen years. For the love of all that's good don't suggest fifteen years. Not that being older is a problem for Freddy Newendyke, the older Dimick oughta know that. Just...yeah, ten years.]

A few. Some of'em are real proud about it too. But they're from different places, where it's easier for'em to be them, you know? People like us we don't have that luxury yet. You might wanna keep your name too. [What he means by keep Freddy gestures with his other hand, the 'hush' gesture. A secret. He knows the older Larry will appreciate that.] ...None of'em look anything like you.

[That's a compliment, kid. A compliment bordering the lascivious but what can Freddy say? This is Lawrence Dimick after all, and they're already fucking, so...]

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