orangetoughguy | log post II

[Great. Orange clears his throat and shakes his head which stands for 'not anymore' because he doesn't have the balls to say it and saying 'no' would be an outright lie. Come on Freddy you can do better.]

Do you wanna talk about it?

[His face looks pained when he asks the question because there's no better way to ask.]

[The light bulb clicks on. Ghosts. Pasts. Funny? Nope. Not a bit. The way Freddy is treating it with kid gloves quells the old man's temper.]

No.

[Though really now old man. He takes a sip of coffee before looking up again.]

Not really.

[Another breath before he takes the extra step.]

Not like I'm trying to be evasive or nothing.

[Now who is the one fumbling with the ball.]

[Coffee and cigarettes, that usually helps in the short run for this kid so he offers a smoke to Larry. His brand of choice of course.]

Okay. You don't have to.

[He takes a Marlboro out for himself. Fortunately Freddy doesn't snort when he claims he's not being evasive either. Sure he's not outright running but if anyone here knows how to be a wallflower or just a fly on the wall it's Freddy Newendyke.]

But if you wanna you can. I mean I like listening to you too. [In case Larry didn't know.]

I know, baby.

[A smoke is just what the doctor ordered. The old man takes it gladly.]

Whenever I even think about it, it's like feeling like walls are closing in.

[Another sip before he puts the mug on the coffee table.]

It's not a place I wanna go back to.

[Even in memory, when it's right behind his closed eyes though?]

I know you don't.

[He killed cops just to make sure of it. If Freddy had to endure the same thing would that be his nightmare? What about Marvin Nash? Where does he fit in? To this day Freddy still harbors no regret for having gunned down that psychopath. Where does the mother fit in? Freddy doesn't know what it's like to be in prison--he hopes he never really does--but he understands fear even if he was supposedly brave enough for that one day.]

But I'm right here, okay? Maybe you can't see me there but I got your back. They can't do anything to you while I'm around.

[Orange hopes to fucking God he can make good on that promise. They can't control how Larry keeps his warm brown eyes open or shut.]

[A deep drag of his cigarette mellows him just a little.]

Nothing you do is on your own time. You gotta wake up when they tell you to. Be with whoever wherever they put you.

[Coffee. More coffee. Larry takes a sip, the opposite hand is holding his cigarette.]

The first day I got the shit kicked out of me.

[It's no place for Freddy. The fella is smart as a whip and strong where he needs to be but the people in there are scum, lower than scum. Thinking about the man he'd do anything for living out a part of what the old man went through is a nightmare all its own.]

Stuff like that's something you don't hear there, not for free.

[Freddy nods, listening like he said he would. Some of it's nothing new to him, he may not have been to prison but he's tossed guys in the jail houses. Word on the street is the county jail can be just as bad as a state pen but he's no sheriff, it's not his jurisdiction. The kid cuffs them and hopes either never to see them again or to see them come back in better health, making better for themselves. Something.]

I don't figure.

[A shake of his head. He means he doesn't assume this shit even though it seems like it goes without saying. Freddy wouldn't dare say he might know even an ounce of what Larry's been through in there. Shit kicked out of him on the first day, he wonders which of the old man's scars belong to that moment in time. He's got more battle damage with good reason...or bad reason. The kid blows a couple rings, wishing he had the right thing to say.]

[What to say? No one wants to hear a guy crying about it. At least any guy born and raised in Larry's time. None of these new fangled therapy sessions were for men. It's the shit that no one talks about.]

It's kinda like the minute someone new comes on in they got to make em un-new.

[Shrug. Oops. There's a movie on, ain't it? He wishes he could shake off how ill thinking about it all makes him feel.]

S'not as bad comin' back but people still try to get the best of you.

[No one wants to hear a guy crying about it so thinks the guy who told another guy it's okay to be scared. How many times has Freddy Newendyke cried on Lawrence Dimick? Maybe the incidents are few and far between but he's seen Freddy at his soppiest wet tears.]

Hey, I don't want you sayin' anything cause you think they oughta be said but I'm listening and I don't forget.

[He leans in to look up at the old man as a courtesy just like how he remembers biking off the roof, fracturing his hand playing hockey, being a waterboy for a couple boxers, and an oaf called Truck the dog.]

[That was close to twenty years ago. Is it still justified to cry when it's that long ago?]

Freddy... [Larry's lips feel dry. Thinking over it all makes him feel like he doesn't belong on this couch in this room.] I didn't do many bad things then, bad on a bigger scale I mean. I fought like an animal but I had a cause. I fucked people who wanted to.

[Why is he saying it like that? Coffee hits his lips before more of the Chesterfield.]

Keep talkin'.

[He nods, blowing smoke to one side. Surely it goes without saying Larry should keep talking only if he wants to, right? The kid's listening, letting the words paint a picture of Lawrence Dimick 20 years ago, his first stint in prison. People making other people un-new. He hasn't forgotten how Larry reacted when he put his hands around his throat even if Freddy wasn't quite himself at the time either.]

Whatever it made of you, I like the guy I've got to know.

[This Lawrence Dimick, whether or not he's any different from the white meat who first walked into the joint.]

I was in my twenties. So...I got attention when I didn't want it. Think that was part of the reason why I got beat up so much. Pretty boy needs to take his hits, learn that no one's gonna help him but himself.

[Making him quicker to step toe to to from there.]

I got jumped [that's what he's calling it] in the shower about the first month in. He tried to take a few other goes at me. Didn't go quite as well as the first so.

[Deep inhale before exhaling upward.]

Got into more fights. See then though, if I lost to somebody else then I'd at least have had a chance.

[Feeling restless he stands up to take a quick few steps around.]

My favorite part of the whole damn day would be walking in the yard for just a little bit. I didn't like seeing movies there because shit happens in the dark.

[Speaking of movies there's one playing on the TV right now isn't there? Freddy's not paying attention to it either. 'Jumped' he says. He's heard stories about cops having a go with girls in the backseat or boys in cuffs. It's nothing new, no walls or bars can keep the monsters in or out. That's what prison's supposed to do and it's the job of a cop to run after the bad guys while everyone else is running from them. Sometimes it's not enough and guys like Lawrence Dimick get turned out.]

I'm sorry Larry.

[Why? Not as if Freddy could have done anything about it. When the old man was twenty this kid was five or six years old. He knows he has no real reason to apologize but he feels he should on behalf of the other side of the train tracks his blondie good green grass looks represent.]

I don't want you goin' back there. [Either in his dreams or in the very physical real future.]

[Anything else that wasn't his life looked greener and more promising. Of course Fresno and all it is (and isn't) looks and sounds better to him. Don't go hating him for it, Freddy.]

You're a good man. [For being one, for saying shit like that.] I don't want to go back there, baby. Not for nothing. I'm not the man I was the first two times. Prison takes parts out of you. I don't know how much I could taking losing more.

Hey.

[Freddy has to put his cigarette down to reach out and cup the side of Larry's face. If possible he'll angle the old man to look him in the eye too. There's no ounce of green in these eyes that hates the guy for loving or glamorizing Fresno of all places.]

You're still a whole man to me. [The kid means it but he'll couch it in a little bit of humor too.] I don't go around pickin' up broken parts just cause I like fixing stuff.

[Not that model kits and cars are any good indicators. The funny thing is Freddy feels like a fixer upper himself.]

[With the way he's been treating that Chesterfield it's about gone. Larry puts it down so that he can be in those hands.]

Yeah? [He breathes out a smile only because it is a little funny. It's more than a little nice to see that those eyes aren't judging. Not like they should for a cop.] All I know is that you've done me good.

[Can you say the same old man? Well, can you? About a year here and you're so wrapped up in his freckled skin. He sighs and drops his eyes.

They're missing the movie. Oops.]

[Done him wrong too, trust no bitch.] Well I'm tryin'.

[Freddy says with another small laugh because it's true, he is trying is damned hardest to help Larry through this. Whether it's just listening or giving him a comforting touch, he doesn't know what works best only that he has to keep trying, keep doing. They say repeat offenders are a lost cause, Lawrence Dimick proves that statistic differently.]

[Hands free he pulls that body closer to his.]

Keep on trying. Somethin's working I think.

[Even though his brown eyes are half lidded and tired being near and knowing that waking up so far as brought him right back here has been a relief even if the transition is harsh.]

I wouldn't wanna put you to sleep by boring you.

[The kid quips before somehow crawling, slipping, or just falling into place half in Larry's lap. He's got both hands on the old man's face now, looking into it like the lovely foe he really is.]

Whatever happened to you there don't change a thing by me.

[The thing of it is...Freddy knew Larry'd done time before the guy ever actually told him.]

Don't read me the back of no boxes.

[Cereal or otherwise. Ah. There we go. The old man rests his head on Freddy's shoulder, just a slip away from cheek to cheek and stubble to stubble.]

You sure? [He's asking not because he doubts (he does) but because the list is so long.] I was using there and I did dumb shit to keep at it. [That made him in debt to other inmates in unsavory ways trading food, smokes and his body to what he could get.]

Deal.

[Even though he's put a movie on, a movie neither of them are really watching although the toucan seems captured by it. Sam's watching the screen in his eerie unblinking kind of way, occasionally tilting his head this way then that. It'll be a year soon and here's Freddy Newendyke, kinda sorta in Lawrence Dimick's lap, in their own home with the Ghostbusters on while his buddy the toucan watches. Fucking surreal.]

I'm sure, Larry, I'm not a pussy. [Or a bitch.] I know what I got into with you. [Do you really, Newendyke, do you?] You take care of yourself now and we're right as rain.

[It's his gentle way of saying don't fucking use ever again, unless it's harmless weed. Does that make Freddy a hypocrite? He brushes his thumb along a stubbled jaw.] Nobody's gonna use you again.

[Not just because Freddy won't let them but because Larry's older now, wiser too to some extent, he knows the old man's grown beyond it. Changed because of it, but not a lost cause.]

[Now and then he tilts his head to see what's happening. It's an old classic. One that'll always be at their disposal. In video tape format, no less.]

No man who can take a bullet like you can is a pussy. Got it? [Fingers brush on through his floppy hair. One of the benefits of this fox faced dog is that he can touch up on him without effort. Keeping eyes open at this hour is tough work.]

Clean an' sober. [No matter how hard it is. He's too old for that shit.]

Y'can use me. [He laughs because it's a joke.]

Yeah right.

[He's not being sarcastic but he's not gonna boast about it too. It fucking hurt, that's for sure, and he'd never want to do it again unless absolutely necessary. But Freddy gets the idea, he understands what the old man means. Freddy Newendyke might be a little guy compared to most however Lawrence Dimick knows better, he's seen this little guy in action.]

I'll be fair about it. Don't worry none, I ain't gonna break you.

[It's a joke for a joke but it's genuine too. Tough guy he may be, wildcat on one side and firm heavy fist on the other, tough guys have their weaknesses too. Tonight's an example.]

Even if you do, you can fix me up.

[Eyes turn toward the screen watching, but not too intently. The old man's strength and weakness is this kid. One of the more cutthroat professional rules of the game is to not be close to anybody.

Only crazy pieces of shit like Blonde can do that. Who's to say he wouldn't have gone loco on the Cabots?]

You ever think that Dana Barrett was attractive?

[He tries to stifle a yawn.]

With a cup of coffee and a movie.

[The kid concedes with a smile. Er, wait what? He gives the old man a look which doesn't take much seeing as how he's still halfway in the guy's lap. That means his Roman nose bumps against his chin.]

.....

[Really Lawrence Dimick, really? Well, this calls for a pull-out-all-the-stops remark. He shrugs once.] I don't know, but I'd let Gozer fuck me.

[It's not in bad taste to make a joke like that after learning more of what Larry's been through, right? He's stronger than that too.]

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